NOTHING A CUP OF SOUP WILL NOT FIX
So I decided to write about it. What it is like to be diagnosed at the age of 50 with autism. Not just that, I was told I have highly developed senses such as smell and taste. As a chef, that at least did not come as a surprise. But that I have an IQ of 135 and am highly sensitive and am most likely suffering from trauma, that came out of nowhere. Because of my very loving and protective upbringing, I was able to masque it all very well all these years. And only 1-2 % of the female population have autism I was told.
So I let that sink in for a while. First I was sad. Sad because all of my life I felt so misunderstood and over sensitive. Why did everyone not see what I saw? Why could people around me not comprehend the issue or problem and I was always proven right in the end? Why was I considered to be awkward or rude just for telling the truth as I saw it. I've been rejected and hurt so many times in my life and being told "why can't you be more, and behave more like the rest of us". As if you are saying to an armless person, why can't you have arms like everyone else, you freak? It made me go through most of my life alone. Because I just could not connect with anyone. Not that I didn't want to. I just feel, I still do, I am my own person and anyone telling me I should be more like them and change can go royally F@9K themselves.
Being socially active just exhausted me to a point I nearly decided to end it all. I don't do well in groups. Why did I feel so incredibly lonely because I could not understand people and they certainly did not understand me. 50 years of trying to struggle with all of that and then to be told my brain just works in a different way. Not my fault. Very unique and rare for females and it just ment I have very specific qualities 98-99% of the females in this world did not have.
So great. I'm a f@%(*& brain super model. And because the main part of the population can not change, I have to learn how to recognize when something, like conflict, is maybe caused by my different thinking. And now I'm angry. For all the shit I've been put through. And still sad. Because there is zero understanding for being the odd on out in this society. Zero patience with most of the assholes in this world.
So what happens now. I'm doing a study this month in which they will explain me what autism is. Psycho education they call it. Even though they said only 1-2% of the female population gets this diagnose, in this group are 6 other autistic females. And you know what? There is a neuropsychologist, a sales woman, a pharmacist, a writer, a mother of 1 and almost 2, a life coach and hear this, the girlfriend of the head of a motorcycle gang and now a chef too! So through all walks of life. I find it hilarious and it's nice to recognize some of those struggles they go through and having a laugh about it. For the first time in my life I belong in a group. Tears of joy. Really.
Hopefully I will learn how to help myself being less tired from all the noise and impressions outside. How to deal with the awkwardness within me. How to get on with life just the way I am basically. And for me writing about it all, in English because I dream in English too, makes me feel good. Time for some soup.
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